1 post tagged “people pleaser”
It's the end of September, a pretty tricky time here. I'm a senior at Brown; I'm an Anthropology concentrator; I'm likely writing an honors thesis in Mesoamerican archaeology. In June I moved into an apartment on Thayer Street--great location, beautiful living space. I worked at the Rock full time in June and August. I spent July in Mexico with my mom. We started in Mexico City, and then hit Puebla, Oaxaca, San Cristobal de las Casas, Palenque, Chichen Itza, then Merida. The archaeological sites we saw included Teotihuacan, Monte Alban, Mitla, Palenque, Bonampak, Yaxchilan (by far my favorite Maya site), Chichen Itza, and Uxmal. I took some amazing pictures, none of which I can currently upload because they're all tied up on my old computer (whose data *should* be in the salvaging process, as I type). Thankfully most are saved in hard copy (as hard as digital can get...) or in online storage.
My current computer is a brand new MacBook---so far I'm a very satisfied customer / Apple user. I'm currently swamped with work in a way I'm not entirely used to. I average 4-6 hours of sleep a night. I'm trying to remember to get in two meals a day (although today's sustanence was pistacios until 7:30, then sushi; yesterday was nothing until a salad and some pasta at 6:00). I'm trying to get into some vibe for this year. I really love my apartment; I love not being in dorms. My room is lovely and spacious, with two tall bookcases, (finally) a full size bed, a desk I use not nearly enough, and the rest of my things. For the first time in my life I don't have enough books to fill up all of my 3+ bookcases.
School's got me tied up prettily. In an effort to revitalize my love and desire for education (in general, and mine in particular), I'm taking a visual arts studio class (survey of media and subject material). I really like it; it's challenging me to be a better artist than I ever have been, to really think critically about rendering, and to use those bits of my brain in the everyday as well. I'm in Intermediate Spanish as well, and truth be told a month of Spanish in Mexico definitely helped me along as well. My absolute favorite class is Mesoamerican Archaeology--it's providing this really excellent pan view of the area that I study. For so long I've focused on primarily Maya archaeology without paying much attention to the very relevant neighboring sites. Appropriately, this summer I spent quite a bit of time at non-Maya sites, such as Monte Alban (a.k.a. the most beautiful place I've ever been in this world), Teotihuacan and Mitla.
My social life is hardcore focused on friends, and to speak to that, I have come to realize the amazing importance and significance friendship and friends can play in one's life. I think I got into a habit very early on in my social development (~13 or 14) of privileging defined romantic relationships above friendships. Don't get me wrong, I understand the importance of a partner in one's life, and I think that too is often a beautiful thing. But for what it’s worth, this is what I’m thinking. The great thing about a friend is that you don't have to love everything about them. You don't have to endorse their life or their decisions. You don't need to be accountable to them and there's also no good reason to hold them accountable to you. Perhaps it's common knowledge that I missed out on while deluding myself that romantic love was the be-all end-all of my life and my happiness. But I'm just so psyched about people who I consider friends, people I want to hang out with and call and share food or a drink or some laughs with. All is well in that universe. I hope all is well in your universe, too.
Part of my most significant personal development in the past year regards the way I've interacted with people. I've notoriously been a people-pleaser, for years now, with only glimpses of independence (often subsequently snuffed out by bouts of insecurity or self-importance). Now I make it an effort (and an effort it is, daily) to do only what I want to do, and to do all I want to do, regardless of intrapersonal judgment or insecurity. The problem with doing everything you think everyone wants, (so it seems to me), is that it lulls your friends into a false sense of who you are, and then when (inevitably) you desire to assert yourself, it's surprising and incongruous with previous interactions. To simplify that convoluted explanation, I'll self-apply that. Eventually I tired of being something I wasn't to make others happy or comfortable. I guess that I was so programmed (my fault) to go along with everyone else that I had no idea what I wanted at all. I'd go to bed thinking one thing, and wake up thinking a complete different thing. I'd disdain things I liked when I found others didn't like them. Basically I've spent the past significant part of my life being extremely weak-willed. So fuck that. Now I know what I want to do, and I try to do that, and I will try to hurt as few people as possible along the way.
