2 posts tagged “dreams”

Did I just reference the Matrix? Perhaps. Considering last night's lovely and substantial conversation with Ben and Anne, I excuse myself for it, if just this once.

I ate a ripe avocado for dinner last night. Avocados are the most rich and delicious food ever. They're on the top of my list, next to coconuts and whole milk. Mmm.

Today (yesterday) has waffled back and forth across the spectrum of exciting and underwhelming. I woke up very late, and then I considered for a long while why I feel so guilty when I sleep past 10 am. I'd never felt this guilt before, not ever, and I've collected my Zs with gusto. Especially as I only got 8 hours... I can't really isolate the one or two things which make me feel so guilty, althoughI know that the idea is that I'm sleeping through hours that should be productive, especially during finals.

And here I am, in my well-lit dorm room, guzzling tepid oversweet fair-trade coffee from the Rock and channeling freshman year, attempting to write twelve pages of something substantial and interesting by 1:30 pm tomorrow. I'm reminded of many things, including something Ethan told me once that has yet to stop resonating in all aspects of my life. This was circa his first year of college, I was a junior in high school, and I couldn't understand why he chose such an ambitious schedule, one laden with difficult classes and substantial lab blocks. He told me, "You know, I'm going to have to do the work at some point." I think he meant, "To be what I want to be, I'm going to have to put in a certain amount of hours, to tax myself, to be challenged and stressed and stretched thin at some point." I dreamt of him last night, in rare detail. I wonder if we'll ever meet again, and why I'd consider it.

I made an A in my graduate seminar, something which brings me great pride and satisfaction after a semester of unswerving devotion to the readings and the topics at hand. The class truly expanded my understanding of the discipline of archaeology, made me comfortable with problematizing and exercising a critical eye. I hope that it's a slice of a hypothetical future graduate school experience; (I hope I'd be comparably successful, that I'd be as challenged and taxed).

Now I am returned to the land of all-nighters and caffeine-induced delerium. I remember shaking with the momentum of a half-writ paper; the fourth-floor study longue in Keeney, watching the sunrise through the sky lights, not sleeping and not needing it; the satisfaction of climbing into bed in the middle of the day after handing in a finished paper. I don't know if tonight and tomorrow will be successful in this way. I hope to climb into bed at 4 pm tomorrow, and feel bone-tired, and sleep.

So here it is, the half-assed plan of catch-up academics. I'm 12 single-spaced pages deep in notes and quotes. I need to consult 4 more sources, (salt and pepper on the dish that is my paper, merely), create a table of artifact information, and write 10 double-spaced pages of information on buckles, buttons, rings, clasps, chains, pins, thimbles, beads,  tinkling cones, and bits of glass. Have the faith, please.
 

I keep having dreams in which a relative dies. And also, another parallel exists in that there is always some gambling component, although never related to the death. I think it's usually a car-accident. Once I was in a casino when I heard. Another time, I was having dinner with a family (why?) and they were heading to some sort of card game afterward. Another parallel, I tend to sob within the dream, uncontrollably, and at different times. Different things trigger it, which makes it seem so very real. Like I'll have a good day, coping with the death of whomever, and then something will remind me of them and I'll cry and cry and cry. And eventually I wake up, usually not before going through another series of dreams in which the death of my relative is not focal but is presupposed.

I wonder if this is at all like my can't-scream dreams. Perhaps on some level I feel the need to sob right now.

I do feel trapped, by deadlines, expectations and routine. I will need to break out of it eventually before I lash out irresponsibly. Ryan quoted something to me, which, unbeknownst to him, resonated with special significance: "Remember Jenna, He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom." Thanks, Tolkien.